First is God's Word. Read it! ! ! Alot ! ! ! This instruction book God's given us should be used to compare ourselves to it and to check to see if we are behaving with love. Who in their right mind is not going to take the inventor's tips and tricks to a good life when it is readily available? When we are tempted to be bitter through a hardship (and it is so so easy to be when we endure a difficulty for a long long time) reading "cast your cares upon Him because He cares for you" can be a timely reminder of the fact that because God knows everything about you, you can literally throw your fears and insecurities to him and he will return to you peace and contentment. One of my newly found favorites is Romans 12:18-21 telling us that we should work towards peace, even with our enemies and that we are not to take our own revenge. Wow, this is a great reminder that when read at the right moment, we know how to act when that twit of a co-worker just took the credit for something you did. Also, reading God's promises is a sure-fire way to strengthen your hope when you are discouraged.
Second, surround yourself with Godly people. Listen to their advice. Ask them to pray for you and with you. There's a double benefit when people you trust wrap themselves around you physically (did you know your blood pressure drops when someone hugs you?) and cover your needs as they pray for you. It takes a bit of humbleness to reach out. Are you there yet? Or are you still trying to tough it out on your own? Stop that and start to enjoy the interdependence Christians have with each other. Godly people are our electrical power-strip that we can get plugged into and immediately share in this thing called love that mature Christians are well known for. Make sure this power-strip is one of the main tools in your tool belt.
Third, work to understand your situation and the people involved. James tells us in James 1:19 to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. In other words, assess the situation before you react. The magnifying glass of self-assessment should be tucked right next to your other working implements.
The Johari Window (named by two communication experts in the 1950's, John and Harry) is a device used to help better understand interpersonal relationships. It is depicted in a graphic and used in counseling, management seminars, teaching, relationship building and is a good device to use here to help us reflect on our relationship with others. (Note: This tool is sometimes used in psychology to understand human nature, however, unlike modern psychology, I take the approach where God is recognized and honored in all aspects of His creation.)
Each quadrant of the box is a visual presentation of what we know and understand about ourselves. The graphic is a simple box with four quadrants.
The first is called "Open" and represents what we know about about ourselves and what we willingly share with others. Like this blog, this is sharing stories openly. The second is "Blind" and depicts what we are blind to about ourselves and are unaware of, but that which we unconsciously reveal. Being nervous is a good example of this if we unconsciously drum our fingers on the table but which is apparent and probably annoying to others. Or like when you have broccoli stuck in your teeth. Third is "Hidden". This is information we have about ourselves which we do not want others to know. Perhaps we had a childhood experience we are unwilling to tell others about. And fourth is the "unknown" where no one on earth knows it. For example, neither I or others would know how I would behave in a wild animal attack. Or, perhaps there is a hidden talent I have but which would not be found until later in life.
1) knowingly share; 2) unconsciously reveal, unaware of; 3) info we do not want others to know; 4) unknown to anyone other than God
If you have a relationship with someone, however, whose Open quadrant is the largest of the four, you will likely have someone who shares readily, has dealt with their own ghosts in their closet, has rectified their past with the present, and has come to terms with many fears. This Window would perhaps look like this:
I like how Paul tells the Corinthians that he is being frank with them and that his heart is open to them in his letter 2Cor 6:11-12, even though they seem to show resistance. On the other hand, a danger to being too open is if you carelessly share information with others who are not interested, or if you naively reveal something about yourself which others can use to harm you.If you are in a relationship where the person always seems guarded, perhaps their Hidden quadrant is larger than the others. If they give short answers to questions, don't reciprocate after you tell about your day, uses criticism to keep people at a distance, don't talk about their childhood, or if after you've known them for a while you don't know much about their family, perhaps they have hurts and fears they are hiding. This person may give the appearance of being aloof, uncaring, judgmental, or just not involved all in the effort to keep what is hidden in the dark. Their Window may look like this:
Positive reactions to another's behavior are more on hand when you work to understand your own and others' Windows to themselves. Consider the amount of trust, forgiveness, anger, loving or sharp words, over/under social, needs for inclusion, control or affection that a person has with the perspective of how they view themselves and others. This gives us insight into how to love them and work with them. Difficult people can become more understood and therefore more bearable if we take the time to identify with them and accept that person where they are in life's journey.
As Christians, we have an obligation to love one another. We are to be good to all men, but especially to the believers. Hebrews 10:24 is very direct in telling us that we are to work at understanding others enough so that we may also motivate them to love.
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