Session 1 - Group Activity, Role Playing

The last activity before breaking for prayer was to do some role-playing and practise some of the lessons learned in this session. I set two chairs angled toward each other in front of the group where all could see. I asked for volunteers and got several. But, then, I just selected certain women who I knew would have interesting characters to act out. I gave them each a story to portray that I'd previously scripted out. Here's a copy of the scripts if you'd like to use it: Manage your Mouth, Role Playing.

Jackie and Ann came up and portrayed two friends chatting about their day. Jackie's role was to be a complainer and Ann's job was to change the subject without offending Jackie because she was in a hurry. Jackie made up a good story about how the kids were bad, she stuck at a railroad crossing, was late for work, and on and on and on. Ann's first tactic was to say she needed to use the bathroom. In some cases, this will work and the topic automatically changes when you get back. However, since Jackie was assigned to complain, she started right back in where she left off. That was rather humorous since then Ann had to come up with another way to. It was a good effort by both.

Monica and her sister Karen came in front of the group. Monica's job was to complain about the out-patient procedure she had on her big toe. She did a great job at this and got into some real gushy details that made all the women remember their own experience at an out-patient appointment. Karen was to be a good listener but then to make every attempt to tell her own story about her root canal at the dentist. Karen interjected several really good sentences like "Oh, that sounds terrible. Let me tell you about . . . ." Monica, not to be dissuaded from telling her own story, talked right over Karen and kept on about the swelling appendage. What a great example (Monica is the older sister after all). Karen tried twice more by empathizing with Monica and then changing the subject and was a great example on how to move the conversation along. Kare was working to be sensitive to Monica and you could tell that was real empathy in her voice. She also took the tact to be factual rather than emphatic in her replies, also a very good way to diffuse a talker. It was quite funny to watch these sisters interact but they did such a good job that we thought for sure their relationship was a solid one even outside of the role-laying.

Session 1 - Personal Story, Hot Discussions

Continuing on with the day's theme of managing our mouths, Marjorie talked a bit about her experience with handling difficult conversations.

Her best advice was to walk away. Even in her family of 6 adult children, she reports that there are few arguments. However, there are some individuals in her family who like to debate and have interactive argumentative conversations. Marjorie said that what these situations come up, she is uncomfortable with them because she is not the type of person who likes to debate. She understands that others are not like that and at first, she felt this was a sign of contention in the family. However, she described how she has learned to understand that this is the nature of these personalities and that they enjoy this type of interaction. So, when the conversation gets too heated, she just walks out of the room.

Not a bad idea, Marjorie. If you are uncomfortable with the topic, and it doesn't focus on something you are involved in or a topic you are responsible to, let yourself out of the conversation. Give yourself permission.

This raises a good example, however, of how to let others be who they are. Marjorie could have chosen to let herself get angry and perhaps retaliate in some way. Or, had she confronted the individuals on their behavior as if it were "wrong", they may not have understood her intentions. It's so easy to take certain people off our friendship list because they have a different personality style than ours.

It's OK to be different. It's not OK to let that difference cause a sinful response in yourself.

Session 1 - Lesson, Gossip and Complaining

Sometimes when we are talking with a friend, she/he can go off on a tangent and talk on-and-on-and-on about someone who did something wrong. It's so hard to get out of that negative conversation. And, without offending the person you are talking to. But, neither do we want to listen to it.

There are two Biblical principles we can draw from. One example is to change the subject and can be seen in how Jesus handled the Pharisees in John 8:4-8. Jesus was constantly being heckled and confronted by these Jewish spiritual leaders as they tried to find fault with Him and get Jesus to do something against the Jewish Law. In this example, Jesus changed the subject with a question which changed the focus from being on his actions, to focusing on the Pharisees. I've always been personally interested in this example since Jesus stooped down to write on the ground with his finger while they were talking. And, the Pharisees continued to complain. Finally, Jesus stood up, asked a question, and bent back down again. The Bible doesn't tell us why, but it sure was an interesting observation on John's part.

Another method is to walk away. We take our Biblical principle from 1 Cor 5:9-11 which talks about not associating with even a Christian believer if they are immoral, greedy, idolaters, slanderers, drunkerds or swindlers. We placed more emphasis on "slanderers" in our lesson.

Both methods require discretion because you don't necessarily want to offend the person speaking. Even when you confront, which we will have a lesson on in the future, you don't want to close off the relationship so that you never speak again.

Here are some examples to shut the gossip and complaining down that may be useful to you.

Change the Subject:
Step 1 - Empathize
Step 2 - Interject a new topic or ask a question.
Examples:

• I'm sorry, that's not been my experience with her. Have you seen . . . .
• I don't know her, so I couldn't comment. Did you get all the notes . . .
• I'm sorry that happened to you. Did you know that you could cut up a chicken?
• I wish I could help, but I can't. I love your new . . . .
• Could you tell me more about . . . . (without responding to the complaint, wait a moment to interject, then ask a direct question)

Walk Away:
Step 1 - Excuse Yourself
Step 2 - Walk away
Examples:

• I'm sorry, I have to be somewhere. (anywhere but here)
• Would you excuse me? I need to step away.
• I'm sorry, I don't need to hear this.
• Walk away. If you are on the fringe of a group of women, no need to excuse yourself.
• I have a commitment and need to step away.

Remember though, no lying is allowed. Also, don't feel the need to explain unless they ask. If they do, then you have an opportunity to share. Go ahead and tell them that you are uncomfortable with this conversation. "I am uncomfortable with this topic and need to step away", could be an opener. Practice these sample sentences out loud or in your head until it sounds right to you and so that you are ready with a clear statement when the need arises. Just make sure no one is listening if you are practicing out loud, yikes.

Notice that the examples above start with "I . . . .". When communicating a message that may be considered controversial or offensive, you want to say it in a way that is easy for the receiver to listen to it. Starting the sentence with "I", allows this to happen. For example, a sentence with "You are talking about . . . ." can so easily be interpreted as confrontational. So, starting your sentence with "I", puts the focus on how you feel or how you are perceiving what's going on. No one can question you on what you are perceiving. It is your perception after all and you own it.

There are other ways to confront the speaker if your intention is to correct the behaviour. But, that lesson is in a future session and should be applied with much discretion.

Session 1 - Lesson, Communication basics

Our first lesson was about how to Manage our Mouths. We first read James 3, the whole chapter, to refresh us of what the Biblical principle was to managing what we say. This Scripture talks about how our little tongues control what happens to the whole body in the same way that a small rudder controls a ship, a bridle controls a horse, or a small flame starts a huge fire.

I was the lesson teacher on this Saturday and drew from my education of communications classes. I used a presentation software to create presentation slides and audience handouts and described the basics of communication.

The root word of communication is "common" and implies that the people communicating have a common understanding. Communication starts with at least two people. One person wants to send a message and that person is the Sender. The Receiver is the person who the message is directed towards. Communication can be created using words, symbols, body language and tone of voice.


SENDER ->>>>> Message ->>>>> RECEIVER

Each message's content is created by the Sender's knowledge based on their own frame of reference, experience, culture, word usage, values and ability to listen. The Receiver of course has her own basis of frame of reference, experience, culture, word usage, values and ability to listen. Depending on whether the knowledge of the two women are similar, they message may not be understood. So, the Receiver has to confirm that she understood what the message was about by repeating what she understood. The Receiver then becomes a sender in the exchange that occurs.

RECEIVER ->>>>> Confirming Message ->>>>> SENDER
(sender) ->>>>> Confirming Message ->>>>> (receiver)

This is often times the piece that is missing. Communicating is really a cycle of several exchanges between invididuals. Take an example between a husband and wife. The wife asks her husband to find the aqua colored vase in the basement and bring it upstairs. If the husband has not had much luck in finding anything his wife previously asked for from the basement, his eyes may simply glaze over and suddenly he doesn't hear a thing. As soon as he hears "find the", he stops listening. (Yes, I sense that you may have had this experience too). Or, if his mental picture of an aqua vase consists of something green, then, he has not clearly understood the request. Therefore, some type of feedback is needed from the husband.

When I am on the receiving side, I have gotten in the habit of saying "let me repeat what I am hearing, just to make sure I understood you right". This way, I'm sure I got the message.

You can imagine that if the message is being sent to a group of people, the potential for miscommunicating is increased exponentially since they all have their own frame of reference, experience, culture, word usage, values and various abilities to listen. Therefore, feedback from all is essential to confirm that everyone got the same meaning from the message. This makes group communication more difficult and time consuming.

This basic communications lesson was simple but a nice reminder to all that when we miscommunicate, we may have missed an important part of the process. Reviewing the process also confirmed the method in which we were going to communicate during these monthly gatherings.

Session 1 - Welcome

What a nice turnout. The first gathering had 24 women who came to my place to learn about Good Things. Martha, our chicken demonstrator, was running a bit late, so I reviewed what "Good Things" was going to be about and how it was based on the interaction implied in Titus 2. Martha arrived, had some coffee, and we got right down to business.