Session 2 - Lesson, Tolerance and the Johari Window

How do we build the tolerance needed to sustain patience? What tools can we put in our tool belt and have ready to pull out when long-suffering is about to make us do something in anger?

First is God's Word. Read it! ! ! Alot ! ! ! This instruction book God's given us should be used to compare ourselves to it and to check to see if we are behaving with love. Who in their right mind is not going to take the inventor's tips and tricks to a good life when it is readily available? When we are tempted to be bitter through a hardship (and it is so so easy to be when we endure a difficulty for a long long time) reading "cast your cares upon Him because He cares for you" can be a timely reminder of the fact that because God knows everything about you, you can literally throw your fears and insecurities to him and he will return to you peace and contentment. One of my newly found favorites is Romans 12:18-21 telling us that we should work towards peace, even with our enemies and that we are not to take our own revenge. Wow, this is a great reminder that when read at the right moment, we know how to act when that twit of a co-worker just took the credit for something you did. Also, reading God's promises is a sure-fire way to strengthen your hope when you are discouraged.

Second, surround yourself with Godly people. Listen to their advice. Ask them to pray for you and with you. There's a double benefit when people you trust wrap themselves around you physically (did you know your blood pressure drops when someone hugs you?) and cover your needs as they pray for you. It takes a bit of humbleness to reach out. Are you there yet? Or are you still trying to tough it out on your own? Stop that and start to enjoy the interdependence Christians have with each other. Godly people are our electrical power-strip that we can get plugged into and immediately share in this thing called love that mature Christians are well known for. Make sure this power-strip is one of the main tools in your tool belt.

Third, work to understand your situation and the people involved. James tells us in James 1:19 to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. In other words, assess the situation before you react. The magnifying glass of self-assessment should be tucked right next to your other working implements.

The Johari Window (named by two communication experts in the 1950's, John and Harry) is a device used to help better understand interpersonal relationships. It is depicted in a graphic and used in counseling, management seminars, teaching, relationship building and is a good device to use here to help us reflect on our relationship with others. (Note: This tool is sometimes used in psychology to understand human nature, however, unlike modern psychology, I take the approach where God is recognized and honored in all aspects of His creation.)

Each quadrant of the box is a visual presentation of what we know and understand about ourselves. The graphic is a simple box with four quadrants.

The first is called "Open" and represents what we know about about ourselves and what we willingly share with others. Like this blog, this is sharing stories openly. The second is "Blind" and depicts what we are blind to about ourselves and are unaware of, but that which we unconsciously reveal. Being nervous is a good example of this if we unconsciously drum our fingers on the table but which is apparent and probably annoying to others. Or like when you have broccoli stuck in your teeth. Third is "Hidden". This is information we have about ourselves which we do not want others to know. Perhaps we had a childhood experience we are unwilling to tell others about. And fourth is the "unknown" where no one on earth knows it. For example, neither I or others would know how I would behave in a wild animal attack. Or, perhaps there is a hidden talent I have but which would not be found until later in life.


1) knowingly share; 2) unconsciously reveal, unaware of; 3) info we do not want others to know; 4) unknown to anyone other than God

If you have a relationship with someone, however, whose Open quadrant is the largest of the four, you will likely have someone who shares readily, has dealt with their own ghosts in their closet, has rectified their past with the present, and has come to terms with many fears. This Window would perhaps look like this:
I like how Paul tells the Corinthians that he is being frank with them and that his heart is open to them in his letter 2Cor 6:11-12, even though they seem to show resistance. On the other hand, a danger to being too open is if you carelessly share information with others who are not interested, or if you naively reveal something about yourself which others can use to harm you.

If you are in a relationship where the person always seems guarded, perhaps their Hidden quadrant is larger than the others. If they give short answers to questions, don't reciprocate after you tell about your day, uses criticism to keep people at a distance, don't talk about their childhood, or if after you've known them for a while you don't know much about their family, perhaps they have hurts and fears they are hiding. This person may give the appearance of being aloof, uncaring, judgmental, or just not involved all in the effort to keep what is hidden in the dark. Their Window may look like this:

Positive reactions to another's behavior are more on hand when you work to understand your own and others' Windows to themselves. Consider the amount of trust, forgiveness, anger, loving or sharp words, over/under social, needs for inclusion, control or affection that a person has with the perspective of how they view themselves and others. This gives us insight into how to love them and work with them. Difficult people can become more understood and therefore more bearable if we take the time to identify with them and accept that person where they are in life's journey.

As Christians, we have an obligation to love one another. We are to be good to all men, but especially to the believers. Hebrews 10:24 is very direct in telling us that we are to work at understanding others enough so that we may also motivate them to love.

Session 2 - Lesson, Long-suffering

How about our other word study for today. Long-suffering: patiently enduring lasting offence or hardship. Obviously since this hyphenated word has the word “long” in it, it implies that this is a long-term, ongoing situation. And what about that word “hardship”? Just reading that word makes my stomach ache.

There are days when we need patience and then there are whole seasons where we suffer with a difficult situation. How can we live through these times and still have joy? Is it even possible? Can we do what is right? What about that bitter feeling we get when all the odds seem against us? It’s easy to slip during a long period of hardship and fall seriously into a pity pool of depression.

Sarah had troubles with this very thing. Also from the “Ten Extraordinary Women” book, it’s made obvious that the first thing mentioned about Sarah in the Bible was that she was barren, that she had no child (Gen 11:29-30). Wouldn’t that be the worst thing to be introduced with? ‘Hi, this is my neighbor, Sarah, she’s sterile.’

Ok, so Sarah had some long-suffering. Did she handle it well? Hmmm . . Not so much. Here’s the short version of what we know about Sarah. She was 65 in the early days of travel with Abraham to the land God promised him in his blessing. God promised Abraham three different times of land, seed and a blessing if Abraham made Yahweh his God. While living in Canaan, Sarah is 75 and makes the mistake that she needed to help God fulfill his promise of “seed” by giving her maid servant, Hagar, to Abraham to start off the promised nation and that’s when Ishmael was conceived and born. Several years later, after she was tired of Hagar showing off her son and kicked her out of the family, she still is barren.

Finally, when she is 90 years old (Gen 17:17-19) she gets pregnant. What’s up with that? Quite the miracle, if you ask me. Now, let’s get this straight. What woman in her 90’s is able to get pregnant? I mean, get for real. Certainly she’s gone through menopause by this time. (this is actually something I’m still waiting for, even though my own sister only 11 months older than me was done with hers 2 years ago, and of course that meant that as soon as she was done I should be, so I marked my calendar for 11 months later because for certain that was when I would be done too, but of course it didn’t work out that way, and I was rather depressed, I did call her up though and tell her she jinxed me, Ok . . . well perhaps I need to consider patience myself on this particular topic).

Anyway, after many years of suffering humiliation, being lonely, trying to force it to happen, repeatedly listening to God’s unfulfilled promised for years, being ridiculed by your maid and so on and so on. Yet, Paul (we believe it was Paul) reports in Hebrews the traditional understanding that Israel had of Sarah in this letter to Jews. Hebrews 11:11 it says “Sarah judged Him faithful who had promised”.

This tells the final conclusion of Sarah. After a life-time of struggle and long-suffering, she was remembered for trusting God to fulfill his promise.

Let’s draw some comparisons. The character of a patient woman who handles long-suffering with grace has trust, faith, God-focused, devotion, humility, hope, is forgiving, and willing to give up control. In contrast, a woman can be destroyed by the same conditions that produce patience but instead is fearful, insecure, untrusting, internally focused, prideful, easily discouraged, prone to bitterness, and controlling.

Sarah obtained stamina and peace through her suffering, constantly placing her faith in God’s promise. Ah Ha ! ! ! There is the secret. Knowing and placing your faith in God’s promise. That is the hope that produces graceful endurance.

Here is the patience and long-suffering presentation if you would like to use it.

Session 2 - Lesson, Patience

Webster defines patience as having the capacity, habit or fact of being patient. I guess that makes sense. I was looking for more of an example, I suppose, when going to a master source to look up this word. Ok, so I need to look up the word patient first.

Hmmm, Patient: Bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint. It seems to me that this implies a short term trial. Also, manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain. Not hasty or impetuous, steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity. Wow, sounds like something I wouldn’t jump into willingly on a Saturday afternoon when the sun is shining and the wind is calling my name.

We find examples of women in the Bible who did and didn’t have these characteristics. We highlight in this lesson the lives of sisters Mary and Martha and also of Sarah. Patience and long-suffering are not traits we can learn overnight. In fact, the first several times we are confronted with an irritating situation we can snap. Unless addressed, it can be a life-long bad habit.

This is exactly what Martha did when Mary was listening to Jesus while he was teaching in their home. And, boy O boy, did she snap. She was also publicly corrected for it. The account is given in Luke 10:38-42 and shows two different ways these women were serving Christ.

John Macarthur’s book, Twelve Extraordinary Women, goes into a lot of detail about what we can learn from the several Bible passages where this family was mentioned. John 11 tells about the death and raising of Lazarus. In John 12 (and also parts of the story are in Matthew 26 and Mark14, Mary anoints the feet of Jesus.

Jesus and several others were visiting Mary and Martha in their home. Martha was very busy preparing and serving the meal while Mary was sitting listening to Jesus’ teaching. Martha complained openly to Jesus that Mary wasn’t helping. This Luke story is a great example of sisterly relationships and how they can be strained.

John Macarthur brings out some clear observations about Mary. She had traits that included: worship, gratitude, she was consumed with Christ, oblivious of anything other than Him when he was around and she portrayed being perceptive of the political stress on Jesus.

Martha also was a devoted Servant, however, she stopped listening to Christ. Her perspective became self-centered and she watched Mary with a critical eye. Perhaps she harbored some bitterness against her younger sister. And then, her patience snapped. If you go back and read this account in Luke, you can read the loving but firm response Jesus gave her in correction.

Martha is mentioned later in John 12 in another hosting incident and seems to have learned the ability to serve with a loving spirit. It's as if God gave her a chance to be mentioned again later on in the Bible to redeem herself and to show that she could change perhaps.

Macarthur describes an additional lesson from this story that the priority of worship is over that of service. And, that the priority of faith is over works.

Here is the patience and long-suffer presentation for this lesson if you would like to use it.

Session 1 - Lesson, Gossip and Complaining

Sometimes when we are talking with a friend, she/he can go off on a tangent and talk on-and-on-and-on about someone who did something wrong. It's so hard to get out of that negative conversation. And, without offending the person you are talking to. But, neither do we want to listen to it.

There are two Biblical principles we can draw from. One example is to change the subject and can be seen in how Jesus handled the Pharisees in John 8:4-8. Jesus was constantly being heckled and confronted by these Jewish spiritual leaders as they tried to find fault with Him and get Jesus to do something against the Jewish Law. In this example, Jesus changed the subject with a question which changed the focus from being on his actions, to focusing on the Pharisees. I've always been personally interested in this example since Jesus stooped down to write on the ground with his finger while they were talking. And, the Pharisees continued to complain. Finally, Jesus stood up, asked a question, and bent back down again. The Bible doesn't tell us why, but it sure was an interesting observation on John's part.

Another method is to walk away. We take our Biblical principle from 1 Cor 5:9-11 which talks about not associating with even a Christian believer if they are immoral, greedy, idolaters, slanderers, drunkerds or swindlers. We placed more emphasis on "slanderers" in our lesson.

Both methods require discretion because you don't necessarily want to offend the person speaking. Even when you confront, which we will have a lesson on in the future, you don't want to close off the relationship so that you never speak again.

Here are some examples to shut the gossip and complaining down that may be useful to you.

Change the Subject:
Step 1 - Empathize
Step 2 - Interject a new topic or ask a question.
Examples:

• I'm sorry, that's not been my experience with her. Have you seen . . . .
• I don't know her, so I couldn't comment. Did you get all the notes . . .
• I'm sorry that happened to you. Did you know that you could cut up a chicken?
• I wish I could help, but I can't. I love your new . . . .
• Could you tell me more about . . . . (without responding to the complaint, wait a moment to interject, then ask a direct question)

Walk Away:
Step 1 - Excuse Yourself
Step 2 - Walk away
Examples:

• I'm sorry, I have to be somewhere. (anywhere but here)
• Would you excuse me? I need to step away.
• I'm sorry, I don't need to hear this.
• Walk away. If you are on the fringe of a group of women, no need to excuse yourself.
• I have a commitment and need to step away.

Remember though, no lying is allowed. Also, don't feel the need to explain unless they ask. If they do, then you have an opportunity to share. Go ahead and tell them that you are uncomfortable with this conversation. "I am uncomfortable with this topic and need to step away", could be an opener. Practice these sample sentences out loud or in your head until it sounds right to you and so that you are ready with a clear statement when the need arises. Just make sure no one is listening if you are practicing out loud, yikes.

Notice that the examples above start with "I . . . .". When communicating a message that may be considered controversial or offensive, you want to say it in a way that is easy for the receiver to listen to it. Starting the sentence with "I", allows this to happen. For example, a sentence with "You are talking about . . . ." can so easily be interpreted as confrontational. So, starting your sentence with "I", puts the focus on how you feel or how you are perceiving what's going on. No one can question you on what you are perceiving. It is your perception after all and you own it.

There are other ways to confront the speaker if your intention is to correct the behaviour. But, that lesson is in a future session and should be applied with much discretion.

Session 1 - Lesson, Communication basics

Our first lesson was about how to Manage our Mouths. We first read James 3, the whole chapter, to refresh us of what the Biblical principle was to managing what we say. This Scripture talks about how our little tongues control what happens to the whole body in the same way that a small rudder controls a ship, a bridle controls a horse, or a small flame starts a huge fire.

I was the lesson teacher on this Saturday and drew from my education of communications classes. I used a presentation software to create presentation slides and audience handouts and described the basics of communication.

The root word of communication is "common" and implies that the people communicating have a common understanding. Communication starts with at least two people. One person wants to send a message and that person is the Sender. The Receiver is the person who the message is directed towards. Communication can be created using words, symbols, body language and tone of voice.


SENDER ->>>>> Message ->>>>> RECEIVER

Each message's content is created by the Sender's knowledge based on their own frame of reference, experience, culture, word usage, values and ability to listen. The Receiver of course has her own basis of frame of reference, experience, culture, word usage, values and ability to listen. Depending on whether the knowledge of the two women are similar, they message may not be understood. So, the Receiver has to confirm that she understood what the message was about by repeating what she understood. The Receiver then becomes a sender in the exchange that occurs.

RECEIVER ->>>>> Confirming Message ->>>>> SENDER
(sender) ->>>>> Confirming Message ->>>>> (receiver)

This is often times the piece that is missing. Communicating is really a cycle of several exchanges between invididuals. Take an example between a husband and wife. The wife asks her husband to find the aqua colored vase in the basement and bring it upstairs. If the husband has not had much luck in finding anything his wife previously asked for from the basement, his eyes may simply glaze over and suddenly he doesn't hear a thing. As soon as he hears "find the", he stops listening. (Yes, I sense that you may have had this experience too). Or, if his mental picture of an aqua vase consists of something green, then, he has not clearly understood the request. Therefore, some type of feedback is needed from the husband.

When I am on the receiving side, I have gotten in the habit of saying "let me repeat what I am hearing, just to make sure I understood you right". This way, I'm sure I got the message.

You can imagine that if the message is being sent to a group of people, the potential for miscommunicating is increased exponentially since they all have their own frame of reference, experience, culture, word usage, values and various abilities to listen. Therefore, feedback from all is essential to confirm that everyone got the same meaning from the message. This makes group communication more difficult and time consuming.

This basic communications lesson was simple but a nice reminder to all that when we miscommunicate, we may have missed an important part of the process. Reviewing the process also confirmed the method in which we were going to communicate during these monthly gatherings.