Session 1 - Lesson, Gossip and Complaining

Sometimes when we are talking with a friend, she/he can go off on a tangent and talk on-and-on-and-on about someone who did something wrong. It's so hard to get out of that negative conversation. And, without offending the person you are talking to. But, neither do we want to listen to it.

There are two Biblical principles we can draw from. One example is to change the subject and can be seen in how Jesus handled the Pharisees in John 8:4-8. Jesus was constantly being heckled and confronted by these Jewish spiritual leaders as they tried to find fault with Him and get Jesus to do something against the Jewish Law. In this example, Jesus changed the subject with a question which changed the focus from being on his actions, to focusing on the Pharisees. I've always been personally interested in this example since Jesus stooped down to write on the ground with his finger while they were talking. And, the Pharisees continued to complain. Finally, Jesus stood up, asked a question, and bent back down again. The Bible doesn't tell us why, but it sure was an interesting observation on John's part.

Another method is to walk away. We take our Biblical principle from 1 Cor 5:9-11 which talks about not associating with even a Christian believer if they are immoral, greedy, idolaters, slanderers, drunkerds or swindlers. We placed more emphasis on "slanderers" in our lesson.

Both methods require discretion because you don't necessarily want to offend the person speaking. Even when you confront, which we will have a lesson on in the future, you don't want to close off the relationship so that you never speak again.

Here are some examples to shut the gossip and complaining down that may be useful to you.

Change the Subject:
Step 1 - Empathize
Step 2 - Interject a new topic or ask a question.
Examples:

• I'm sorry, that's not been my experience with her. Have you seen . . . .
• I don't know her, so I couldn't comment. Did you get all the notes . . .
• I'm sorry that happened to you. Did you know that you could cut up a chicken?
• I wish I could help, but I can't. I love your new . . . .
• Could you tell me more about . . . . (without responding to the complaint, wait a moment to interject, then ask a direct question)

Walk Away:
Step 1 - Excuse Yourself
Step 2 - Walk away
Examples:

• I'm sorry, I have to be somewhere. (anywhere but here)
• Would you excuse me? I need to step away.
• I'm sorry, I don't need to hear this.
• Walk away. If you are on the fringe of a group of women, no need to excuse yourself.
• I have a commitment and need to step away.

Remember though, no lying is allowed. Also, don't feel the need to explain unless they ask. If they do, then you have an opportunity to share. Go ahead and tell them that you are uncomfortable with this conversation. "I am uncomfortable with this topic and need to step away", could be an opener. Practice these sample sentences out loud or in your head until it sounds right to you and so that you are ready with a clear statement when the need arises. Just make sure no one is listening if you are practicing out loud, yikes.

Notice that the examples above start with "I . . . .". When communicating a message that may be considered controversial or offensive, you want to say it in a way that is easy for the receiver to listen to it. Starting the sentence with "I", allows this to happen. For example, a sentence with "You are talking about . . . ." can so easily be interpreted as confrontational. So, starting your sentence with "I", puts the focus on how you feel or how you are perceiving what's going on. No one can question you on what you are perceiving. It is your perception after all and you own it.

There are other ways to confront the speaker if your intention is to correct the behaviour. But, that lesson is in a future session and should be applied with much discretion.